


Lena's Secret Struggle

by saltseawitch



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Trans Lena "Tracer" Oxton, Widowtracer, gernderfluid, side pharmercy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-09 13:14:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13482234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltseawitch/pseuds/saltseawitch
Summary: Lena has been struggling with her identity and Amelie comes to her aid. This is a two shot that will explore Tracer's gender identity. I  head cannon Tracer as non-binary, if that's not something you can get behind I suggest you don't read. This is a rewrite of "Lena/Tracer One and the Same" I think I've grown a bit as a writer since I wrote the original. Please be kind if you comment. Unbeta'd





	1. The Secret

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter, the second will really get into how Lena is feeling regarding her identity, this is just an intro.

Looking in the mirror for a final time Amélie checked to make sure that her lipstick wasn't smudged before heading off toward the party. Tonight was the eve of Fareeha and Angela's second wedding anniversary and Hana had planned an evening of festivities. This would be the first year that they had the chance to spend their anniversary together. The previous year had seen Fareeha stationed in Cairo finishing up a joint project with Helix security. While Angela had been working in King's Row patching up civilians after a devastating omnic attack. This year their anniversary celebration night was supposed to start with a dinner, which Amelie was now running fashionably late for. Granted she had a good reason, she had needed to put full effort into tonight's outfit. Amelie had noticed that Lena had been feeling down lately and to cheer her up she had decided to go all out and wear her girlfriend’s favorite ensemble, a slim backless black dress that showed off her now tattoo-less back. Along with a pair of sparkling earrings, an anniversary gift from Lena. A pair of small heels that didn't offset their already sizeable height difference completed the outfit. Getting ready had taken up more time than she had anticipated, drying her long thick hair had taken almost an hour in itself and then there was makeup to be done. At last she set off into the humid September night, her heels clicking out a clipped tattoo as she walked across the metal floors of the Gibraltar base making her way to the main conference room. 

A wonderful sight greeted her upon entering the conference room. 

'The Song girl did the best with what she had to work with, the room looks nice' Amélie thought as her eyes scanned the room. 

The large table that usually occupied the center of the room has been moved to a far corner and was set with silver trays of food. The submerged center of the room had been cleared to make a dance floor, large speakers framed the far wall where Lucio had set up a makeshift DJ booth. Soft music was playing from the wall of speakers and the team was milling about in conversing in clusters around the room. Amélie swiped a drink off a nearby table and scanned the crowd for Lena. She spotted her girlfriend standing behind Winston as he shifted down from his hind legs into a more comfortable crouched position. Amelie thought that Lena looked a picture, dressed in a sharp black suit and tie with a tight white t-shirt. She was sans accelerator and the cut of the suit showed off her slight feminine curves. The sniper felt a blush creeping up her chest and into her cheeks. The feeling that the rush of blood brought still surprised her even after almost a years' time to get used to the sensation. Downing her drink to try and cool herself down Amelie made her way across the room towards the pair. 

As she neared she could make out Winston's booming voice over the music, he was rambling on about something scientific. Amelie's quickened her pace as she picked up on the words chronal, and malfunctioning. 

Winston held Lena's wrist in one of his massive hands, examining the new watch that was fastened there. 

"Are you sure you haven't felt any kind of time fluxuations since wearing the device, no moments of wavering in between time?"

"Yes Winston" Lena sighed in exasperation clearly wishing to be done with the conversation, "It's working perfectly, I'm not going anywhere" 

"So, you haven't been feeling strange at all?"

"I should hope not" Amelie interrupted saving her girlfriend the trouble of replying "I can't have you disappearing before we've shared a dance."

"Amé! You look" Lena paused, spending a moment taking in Amelie's appearance, "You look bloody gorgeous." 

"Merci chérie, you look rather beautiful tonight yourself"

Just then the music cut off suddenly and Lucio's exuberant voice boomed over the speakers.

"Alright, alright! Guys it's time to head over to the table to try some of the delicious food Jesse's cooked up for us tonight."

The humans, cyborgs, and Winston all made their way to the table while the omnics in the group; Orisa, Bastion, and Zenyatta sat off to the side of the room talking amongst themselves. Lena and Amélie sat together at the large table and took stock of the food presented in the center. 

"Jesse, what did you make for dinner?" Asked Mei.

"I made somethin' I know Angie loves, it's called Zurch-urge-schnitzle" 

"You mean Zurchergeschnetzeltes" Angela corrected "It is a Swiss dish of veal cooked with mushrooms, onions, and wine. I think you will like it Mei."

"I am excited to try this, it looks delicious Jesse" Mei replied.

"I also made those Swiss latkes you like so much." Jesse directed at Angela. 

As the group settled around the table Jesse began dishing out the food being sure to load up Winston's plate. There was silence around the table broken only by the sounds of utensils hitting plates as everyone began to tuck into the food in front of them. As they ate Amélie watched Lena for any sign of unease, she had noticed when she interrupted Lena's conversation with Winston that Lena appeared to be tense, she normally wasn't so short with her best friend. In addition to her clipped speech, she seemed to be uninterested in discussing the anchor, normally Lena was heavily invested in anything to do with the piece of machinery that kept her secure in the present. 

Soon their bellies filled and their plates were cleaned conversations arose in small groups around the table. Amélie was in a discussion with Winston about Lena's new chronal anchor watch, Lena remained quiet, when Ana interrupted clinking her knife against the side of her glass. Gathering the attention of the group she suggested that they each go around and make a toast to Fareeha and Angela. 

Reinhardt began, his loud excited voice killing the silence Ana had crafted. 

"I remember when Reeha was maybe ten or so. One day I had to take her to the med bay to patch up a scratch she had gotten climbing around in the hanger. Torbyorn and I were supposed to be watching her." 

Ana let out a little laugh, "The two of you always were the worst baby sitters" 

"Bah, I think we did fine," Reinhardt scoffed taking a sip of his beer, then he continued "So Reeha was ten, and we were in the med bay. At that age she couldn't sit still for the life of her, she kept wriggling around in her chair trying to convince me to let her get back to climbing in the hanger. Then our newest doctor Angela came in, and on my honor, I had never seen Fareeha sit so still. She was a perfect patient all through her patching up, she just kept staring at Angela as she worked. And after Angela had left Fareeha turned to me and said 'Reinhardt, she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen'"

The whole table burst into laughter as Fareeha's face blushed, Reinhardt continued his speech, "I knew then that little Fareeha had a crush but it wasn't until the recall, when I saw you as a grown woman, a soldier, that I knew it was something more. You still look at Angela like you did that first day in the med bay, and now she looks back at you in the same way. You're a match made in the heavens I can feel it" Reinhard concluded. 

Fareeha laughed. "I remember that day," she said turning to Angela "I was so nervous when you were patching me up, I had such a crush on you". 

"And now, do you still have a crush?" Angela teased. 

"Of course she does" interrupted Hana "you can see that shit from space!"

The room erupted into loud laughter again. Amélie looked at Lena laughing and was overcome with a thought. What if Lena was fine and she was just pushing her to talk when there was nothing wrong. What if it was all in her head. This thought struck her the hardest, though she had come very far in her therapy sometimes she still felt as though she was picking up on things that may not be there. The beginning of Ana's speech pulled Amélie out of her thought spiral. 

"I want to wish you the best in your lives. I know first had how hard it can be, being a soldier and a wife. There is a pressure, a stress, that comes with laying your life on the line every day that can take a toll on a relationship" Her voice wavered here as she thought about how her own marriage had collapsed under the stress.

"But if there is anyone who I believe can make it through that stress it is you both. I can see that your love for each-other lifts you up and makes you a better person than you were on your own. I know that there is nothing in the world that could stop my Fareeha from coming home to you Angela. And I believe the same is true for you. I love you both and I wish for you nothing but happiness for the future. And maybe some grandchildren soon?" 

"Mom!" Fareeha exclaimed. 

Amélie snickered, but the thought struck her how adorable a little Fareeha or Angela would be. 

The group each took turns telling Angela and Fareeha what they admired about their relationship and wishing them well. Mei reminisced on her past with Angela and said that she had never seen her so happy as when she was with Fareeha. Finally, it was Lena's turn. 

She looked nervous as she began, "Angie, Reeha, I've known the two of you for a long time now, and it has always amazed me how accepting and supportive you are of each other." She emphasized the words accepting and supportive. 

"Even though Angie hogs the covers and Fareeha snores. You find ways to love each other even with your flaws" Pausing to collect her thoughts for a moment then she continued, 

"Your unwavering love and respect for each other inspires me to be better in my own relationship. And I know that no matter what happens to you two you'll work it out and come through even stronger. I love you both and I wish for you nothing but the best." she concluded with a raised glass salute.

With dinner finished and the speeches concluded Lucio announced that it was time to make their way to the dance floor to dance off their dinner bellies. Lena lead Amélie out onto the floor as Lucio began spinning an upbeat track. The two dance together, bumping and grooving to the hits Lucio played. The DJ was in fine form tonight and seemed to effortlessly keep the crowd under his control. It seemed as though he had a sixth sense for when to switch up the beat to keep the dance floor from falling into a lull. Soon the full team was out on the floor showing off their best moves. Jack was pulling off the classic white dad moves much to the chagrin of Hanna. Lena and Amélie drifted apart as a quick upbeat song came on. Hanna pulled Lena away to thrash it out while Sombra and Amélie grooved together in a more reserved dance style. 

"Alright ya'll, it's time for the two lovely ladies of the evening to share a slow dance." Lucio announced as he began to play a soft slow song. 

Fareeha held out a hand for Angela, pulling her in and leading her in a slow waltz with a hand on her waist to steer. Angela's head rested on one of Fareeha's broad shoulders, together the pair seemed to glide effortlessly over the dance floor. Soon other couples began to join the couple on the dance floor. Amélie took Lena's hand and lead her into the dancing crowd before pulling her close. They began to dance, hip to hip and chest to chest. On a turn Amélie pulled Lena in closer to her chest and felt Lena stiffen at the action. Deciding that she wasn't reading too much into the situation Amélie decided to take action.

"Would you like to come on a walk with me chérie?"

"Sure love" Lena agreed, thinking that Amélie wanted to fool around.

The pair ascended the steps out of the conference room and headed out into the humid Gibraltar summers evening. They walked for a while, Amélie thought about how to approach the situation with Lena. She knew that something was upsetting Lena, she also knew that Lena has a habit of changing the subject whenever her issues were being discussed. Amélie asked her once why she was so reluctant to talk about her feeling, Lena had claimed that it was a fighter pilot thing. She grew up in the RAF and soldiers were not known for discussing their emotions. Amélie knew that was only a part of the issue, deep down she had a nagging suspicion that Lena didn't talk about her own issues because she thought that she had no right to complain to Amélie after all her girlfriend had been through. 

Plucking up the nerve the sniper began to ask Lena, "Cherie, are you feeling all right? I feel like something has been."

Suddenly she was cut off with a kiss. Lena's lips pressed to hers fiercely, the pressure wasn’t unwelcomed and after a moment Amélie forgot all about the conversation she had wanted to have. Getting lost in her lover’s lips was a fatal flaw of Amélie’s, from their first kiss on a rooftop in London Amélie knew she would never get enough of Lena’s kisses. Losing herself in the moment Amélie’s hands began to wander, sliding down from Lena’s shoulders to the swell of her breasts. Suddenly Lena tensed up, she stopped kissing back, and soon was pushing Amélie away from her as she began to hyperventilate. Recognizing Lena’s behavior as a panic attack Amélie switched into supportive girlfriend mode. The sniper reached out a tentative hand, placing it on Lena's back and rubbing slow circles as she tried to coached her through the panic attack. 

"Just breathe Lena. That’s it darling, slow and steady, in and out."

As Lena's breathing evened out Amélie asked again, "What are you feeling Lena, I know that something is bothering you. Please, trust me to take care of you."

Lena's breathing had evened out and she looked at Amélie, it was written on her face that she was thinking over if she should open up to Amélie. Then all at once the floodgates were opened, it was as if once she had decided to start speaking she couldn't hold back any longer. 

"I just feel wrong." She sobbed, "everyone in there thinks I look cute, but I'm not cute, I don't feel cute I feel wrong. This shirt doesn’t fit, and I don’t look how I should. Not how I look in my head. Do you understand? I feel like I don’t fit in my body."

Amelie's heart wrenched at Lena's words, she knew how it felt to be trapped inside your own body. 

"Oui, I understand. It's going to be ok Lena." She said as she reached out to soothe her partner with a hug. 

Lena flinched away, "Please don’t hug me right now, I need room to breathe and calm down." she said as she hunched over and took in large gulps of air. 

Amelie moved to lean against the wall next to Lena. Tentatively she reached out to rub calming circles on Lena's back again, "Is this okay?"

"Yeah love, this is fine"

"I think we need to have a serious discussion chérie." 

"I think so too, I feel like there is so much I need to talk about."

For a few minutes they stood in silence, Amelie's hands movement working in time with Lena's heavy breathing. After a while Lena began to calm down and Amelie suggested they head back to their room. The shorter woman began to protest that the others would think something was wrong if they didn't return to the party and Amelie reassured her that she would message a believable excuse Angela and Fareeha. Pushing off from the wall Amelie extended her hand for Lena to take and together they walked on through the base beneath a sinking Gibraltar sun.


	2. The Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelie and Lena have a much needed conversation about Lena's feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, thanks so much for reading and leaving kudos! I hope this chapter helps explain how I imagine Lena/Tracer feels regarding their gender identity. If you have any questions don't hesitate to comment.

The clicking of Amélie's heels echoed down the hallway that led to the suite that she shared with Lena. The sniper took a moment to unlock the door as Lena leaned against the wall adjacent to their room, her breathing was still heavy and her eyes were rimmed with red from the crying. Once they entered the suite Amélie immediately set into busy mode. She put on the kettle and got Lena a comfortable change of clothes. Lena blindly put them on, she hadn't said a word since coming home from the party, and Amélie was worried. 

Once Lena was changed Amélie wrapped her girlfriend in a soft blanket and got her settled on the couch when the kettle began to whistle. The sniper moved into the kitchen and began making a cup of tea in the style that she knew Lena liked. It was busy work but that was what Amélie needed in that moment, she was feeling dazed, how had she not known that something was bothering Lena sooner. Were there signs she had missed, something about the way Lena had reacted told Amélie that she had been keeping things under wraps for a long time. 

By the time the tea had cooled to a drinkable level Amélie made her way back into the living room and settled herself down on the couch next to Lena. The girl looked pale, and it seemed as though she hadn't moved an inch since Amélie had gotten her situated. The sniper handed Lena her tea and watched patiently as she went through the motions of sipping it. Amélie didn’t want to push Lena so together they sat in silence, the occasional sound of Lena slurping tea broke the monotony. Amélie was prepared to wait all night if that was what it took, she was used to waiting being a sniper and all, once Lena finished the last of her tea she took a deep breath and turned to look at Amelie. 

Nervously Lena began speaking, "I have to tell you something, something big."

"Does it have to do with what you said outside?"

"Yes, its… I… Christ I don’t know how to say this" she bemoaned. 

"It is okay, take your time my love" Amélie reassured her.

"I'm trans!" they blurted out, "Specifically non-binary" she finished a little more softly. 

"Non-binary? I am not familiar with this term" Amélie confessed. She wished there was more she could do to reassure her girlfriend that she understood her struggle. 

"Well trans means…" Tracer began but she was cut off by Amelie.

"I know what transgender means, what is non-binary?"

"It is kind of self-explanatory, a non-binary person doesn't fit into the gender binary. They're not a boy or a girl fully, they fall somewhere on a spectrum or not at all."

Amélie considered Lena's words for a moment before speaking, "So you do not feel like a girl, and that is making you uncomfortable in your body?"

"Essentially. It varies, some days I feel fine presenting as a girl, but some days I feel more masculine or androgynous and that makes me feel dysphoric about my chest."

"Dysphoric?" Amélie said, the confusion in her voice let Lena know she was struggling with the new term.

"Dysphoria is when you feel like something is wrong with your body."

"I understand chérie. So earlier, when you had that anxiety attack, I set it off by touching your chest when you had dysphoria?" Amélie asked, concern in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that, the tightness of the shirt had me feeling very self-conscious and hyper aware of my chest."

"Listen," Amélie said suddenly very serious, "there is nothing you should feel you need to apologize for. Absolutely nothing. What can I do to make you feel better, in the future when you feel this way?"

Lena pondered for a few moments, the discussion was going better than they had ever dreamed it would. Though now upon reflection they realized they should have known that Amélie would be nothing shy of supportive. 

"Well, on days when I feel uneasy about my body, maybe we could avoid having sex, or at least avoid touching my chest."

"Of course, my love, anything to make you feel more comfortable." Amélie was struggling to keep her voice even. She was flooded with grief at the thought of Lena feeling trapped in her own body, unable to be at ease around the one person who should make her feel totally comfortable. 

"Lena" Amélie began, "is it okay to still call you Lena?"

"I think I would prefer to be called Tracer or by my last name on masc. days if that’s alright." they said, "In the RAF it always felt nice being called by my last name, like it fit better than Lena sometimes. But on fem. days you can still call me Lena." 

"Of course, that is alright chérie. Masc. means masculine I am assuming?"

"Right. I feel like I'm mostly androgynous with my short hair and basic outfits, those days I think it would be okay to be either Lena or Tracer, but I'll let you know when I'm feeling more masculine."

"That would be good, I need you to be able to discuss your feelings with me." She paused for a moment before continuing, "You seem to know quite a lot about being non-binary and how you are feeling. You must have been struggling with this for a long time."

"Yeah, I've felt this way pretty much all my life, I just didn't understand it until after the slipstream incident, that’s when I knew something was off because I felt more comfortable in the accelerator than I did out of it. Since Winston made me the watch though I'd been feeling off and I asked Athena for some help researching how I felt. There's some great stuff online about being non-binary."

And Tracer began to tell Amélie all about their research, how when they first started out they were nervous about their search history. Just typing in the phrase "I don’t feel like a boy or a girl what am I?" almost drove them into a panic attack. However, with Athena's help and reassurance that their search history would remain private from the rest of the Overwatch team Tracer began to explore their gender identity. 

They spent the rest of the night discussing Tracers feelings and preferences, like how they preferred gender neutral pronouns when presenting androgynously or masculine, but she/her pronouns when she was feeling like Lena. Amélie was respectful, listening to her partner tell their story of self-discovery and the struggles that come with it. She would ask questions here and there when she needed clarification, and did her best to be supportive of Tracer. It felt to Amélie like their roles were switching, for the past few years Tracer had looked out for Amelie, supporting her through each phase of her recovery. From the initial surgeries and procedures that undid Talon's alterations to her chemistry, to the long and arduous therapy sessions with Zenyatta that progressed so slowly in the beginning that Amélie felt sure she would never feel better. Tracer had been through it all with her and never once did they complain, now Amélie felt it was her turn to support her partner to the best of her ability. However, a dark thought was niggling at the back of her mind and she had to ask her partner lest the thought drive her mad.

"Tracer" Amélie began hesitantly, "Did you not confide in me sooner because you thought I could not handle this? You have clearly spent much time working this out with Athena. I am sorry if you felt my reconditioning would make me unable to ease your burden."

"Oh no love, that’s not why I didn't tell you sooner. I think everyone needs to come out in their own time, with some people that doesn't take too long, but I had to be sure of how I was feeling before I felt comfortable coming out. Winston's watch gave me the push I needed to see that the way I was feeling wasn't all in my head, and the research that I did with Athena made me feel valid, I was just afraid of telling you because I didn't want you to think of me differently. It’s not because I thought you were too frail to handle it or something. Amé you're one of the strongest people I know."

"Non chérie, you are the strong one. I know that talking about this must have been very hard for you, you are so brave mon beau lion." Amélie said affectionately, trying out the new pet name.

Tracer flushed, "No one's ever called me handsome before, 'specially not in French."

"Get used to it chérie, if we are to get you a new wardrobe it will be said more often. I cannot be seen dating someone who is not dressed their best."

"A new wardrobe?"

"Oui, we must go shopping soon, and we will get those binders you were speaking of, and some new shoes, maybe some ties do you like ties?" Amélie trailed off listing all the things that she felt Tracer needed to properly present masculine. 

Tracer felt like they could cry. They had never felt so accepted in their life as they did now hearing Amélie make plans for their future that all revolved around accepting them and making them feel comfortable, feel loved. With a warm feeling growing in their chest Tracer listened to Amélie rattle on, snuggling comfortably into her side as they moved to stretch out on the couch. Their discussion eased away from the more serious aspects of Tracer's gender identity and onto the silly things like their preferred choice of masculine clothing and whether or not Amélie could convince them to wear a bow tie. Soon the night was disappearing in the light of the new days sunrise, neither of them could believe that they had stayed up the whole night talking. Together they headed off to bed, Amélie snuggling up to Tracer's side and kissing her cheek. They fell asleep holding each other, knowing that they were safe in their partners arms.


End file.
